Key learnings
Go with the flow, each day will be different, and it's ok for you to struggle
Your appearance and body shape will differ on chemo, learn to be ok with that, most of the time it's temporary
Don't be hard on yourself
Each cycle takes its toll, be ok with that being the case
Take advantage of the good days as you never know how you will react the next - do that workout, do that reading, listen to that music, make that meal
Concluding chemo and it coming to an end is a massive relief.
The whole process is very draining. You dread each cycle when it comes around to it. I hated each cycle. The lack of contact with others, feeling isolated, and being stuck - are other factors that are more prevalent.
Chemotherapy generally conjures up images of a dull treatment room, a lot of IV infusions, and hair loss. Anything that you see on television. The hair loss can be a big factor. Usually, you'll associate a person with cancer with having no hair on their head, this is common, but not always the way. It can feel like a daunting task.12 cycles of chemo can make you question why and it can overcome you. Put that to the back of your mind and try to not let the thoughts consume you.
My initial thoughts about chemo
I won't lie, I was scared, I was apprehensive about doing it - but I wanted to try and give it my best.
The thought of chemo was nerve-racking, I had that perception in my head that it meant something bad, something horrible, and it meant that I was seriously ill. There would be limitations around what I can and can't do anymore. I have to be ok with that and come to terms with the fact.
I immediately thought I was alone and it would be just me in this fight. I felt overwhelmed with emotion and that I couldn't do this. The first couple of cycles were horrible, I was vomiting all the time, couldn't eat, my appetite completely went, and anything that I consumed came back up, it wasn't a great time, and I didn't enjoy it.
The impact chemo has on my body
The first thought I had was I was going to lose my hair, I would be bald, and couldn't do anything about it. That weighed on me and those thoughts were difficult to process. How was I going to do chemo when I wasn't comfortable doing it? How was I supposed to cope? How was I going to accept it would change me?
The body image change I can deal with. Not at first, but after time I would be able to get used to it. It's not the appearance that was the biggest hurdle for me, I didn't want pity from others and treated any differently. As soon as you mention the word or mutter the words 'cancer', immediately someone's attitude towards you changes.
For me, lack of exercise was a major issue. There was a struggle to realize how much this would influence me. A thing I must get over. Being trapped in and not being able to do exercise was very tough for me.
Reflection on my experience during chemo
It has been hit-and-miss. It really does get better over time. Your body learns how to process each chemo cycle. The early stages are horrible - your body is adapting to it and it's taking on something new whilst experiencing arguably the toughest thing ever.
I had a complete lack of motivation to do stuff, it drained my energy a lot. Whilst your body will learn about chemo over time, you have to learn about it. Learn little tips and tricks that work for you, test them out, and then carry them forth into the following cycles. It's about learning what works for you.
The whole journey has been interesting. I think that is the best way to describe it. There's no other way to put it.
The way I've had to handle certain obstacles in each cycle, it hasn't been smooth sailing at all. I've tried to handle it as best as I could, but there were some days when I couldn't handle it and it was too much.
Recommendations for other people going through chemo
It's easy to say one thing and give all the advice but unless you've been through it you can't understand what it's really like.
I've tried to do it as best as I could, to the best of my abilities. There were times when I thought that this wasn't fair and I shouldn't be going through this. Chemo is that thing you immediately think and don't want to do. It makes you act like it's the worst thing in the world, because it is, but you need to spin it - yes I know it is weird to say - think of it as a positive, as an opportunity. Yes, you're life will change, and yes it will be cut short, but just think of the good you can achieve with the time that you have left.
I counted how many cycles I had left and how far I had come as soon as I passed the halfway point. Now that I had completed the majority of the challenge and gone to this point, it was time to see each cycle as a learning opportunity.
Each time that you do chemo, it changes you, you will be a shadow of yourself, but you need to learn to be ok with that, be ok with it all, and not be too hard on yourself.
Be able to learn about your body, learn about chemo and what works for you - because what works for others might not work for you. Be open to that because you will learn so much more that way.
Chemo ultimately is a tricky one. It has its negatives and positives. It's one of those things that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. It tests your character and puts everything in perspective. It's an experience I'll tell you that. It reveals just how strong you are. Sometimes you need to take a step back, realise the gravity of the situation, and what you have accomplished.